I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
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Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
At least my masseuse has my back.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages