“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
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I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.