You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
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Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Dishonest mechanic?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.