My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
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lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
bury ourselves
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.