I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
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If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands