On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
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Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news