Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
You Might Also Like
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.