A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
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[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped