2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
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Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.