Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
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Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?