Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
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The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.