Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
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why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.