Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
You Might Also Like
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in