My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang đ
You Might Also Like
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Coolest part of meeting your new manâs family is to see the surprise look on the wifeâs face
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but donât study the moves of one gomez addams.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? Iâm too scared to ask.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you shouldâve ate them when they were alive.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
âŚ
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers âThou Shall Not Killâ.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen