I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
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Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
What a chick magnet..
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Hotels are back