It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
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Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.