give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
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Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.