Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
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Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.