Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
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[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute