My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
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Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.