So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
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Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend