waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
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All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I’m tired tomorrow.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master