Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
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Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Bruh PLEASE
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”