It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
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If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…