Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
You Might Also Like
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
real
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.