All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
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Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
step 6: release the wall snake
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
describing stardew valley
This could be us… but you playing
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
that colleague who touches your screen
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.