We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
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Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I just ran a .003048K
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.