(before sex)
*sings national anthem
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ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
when someone compliments me