You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
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Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
doing your own taxes
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo