Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
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In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
President The Rock Obama
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.