VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
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I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Social Media and Real life
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”