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Clients after you give them your rates
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?