The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
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Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
All. The. Damn. Time.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
A fake ID that makes you younger
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.