[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
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“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no