FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
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I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff