My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
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Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
goldfish mafia
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.