*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
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Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t