A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
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Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
#winning
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.