All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
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Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Lmbo
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
🙄😏😂🤣
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
This is why I hate group projects