My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
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i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Why soy sad?
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?