I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
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The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.