This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
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PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Reporter: *ports again*
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”