Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
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it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.