Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
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[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I saw this ending much differently.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not