petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
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I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Grandmother clock.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are