yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
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Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
#CatsOnTwitter
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.