You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
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[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.