You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
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Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Buying a well is money well spent.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse