When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
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The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died