if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
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My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.